LISA:
Of Intergroup 17, we'd like to welcome you all to the Relationships and 12 Traditions presentation. If we can all take a moment to silence or put our phones on vibrate. Let's open this meeting with the Serenity Prayer.
(Prayer)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alrighty. I just wanted to do a little bit of housekeeping here. There is a love offering jar, so for those who have not had the opportunity to donate, it will be where the food is going to be set up. All proceeds go to Intergroup 17 in Marion County.
And I have the privilege of introducing Ron and TJ. They travel all around the country to do this presentation. I actually met them at another presentation back in Vegas. It's a honey something to think about in the future for bringing those out. Throwing that out there.
And it's all about, let me see, one move at a time to improve their daily lives through the use of 12 Traditions. And it's not just for romantic, of course, as is put on the flyer. I am thrilled to be able to hear them again because they have a powerful message. As soon as I saw them, I remembered them from the back of Vegas. They were very powerful.
And I would like to introduce Ron and TJ. Thank you.
RON:
Good morning. My name is Ron and I'm an alcoholic.
AUDIENCE:
Good morning, Ron.
RON:
We're not familiar with the sound system. We really can't hear how you hear out there. So if somebody in the back does not hear us, just do something like that. But I am an alcoholic and we're going to quickly qualify ourselves.
And you know that we're alcoholics.
TJ:
Everyone, my name is TJ. I'm going to use my Jersey voice. So I'm going to put my Jersey voice on. Hopefully, you can hear me. My sobriety date is April 11th, 2010. I was introduced to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous back in 2004. I was a chronic relapser for about seven years before I decided to stick and stay and be non-speechable.
My journey is one of relapse, medical detox, five brain labs, you know, alcoholic seizures from withdrawing low, low bottom drunk. I'm one of those too smart people. Right? I was too smart. I knew better. Right? I had success in a lot of other areas of my life. I figured because I had success in those areas of my life that I could figure this out on my own. It was all about self.
And it wasn't until I became teachable and was introduced to this way of life that I got the freedom that is offered in the 12 steps and the 12 traditions and 12 concepts of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I just wanted to qualify a little bit so you know that I belong here with you all.
And I'll let Ron do the talking.
RON:
As I said, my name is Ron, the alcoholic. My sobriety date is August 28th of 1991. That was the day after my last drink. It was the day after I woke up in a holding cell not knowing why I was there. That last drug cost me 22 years in prison. I had become a violent career criminal.
And I'll tell you that this program, the relationship with God changed me from the inside out. What you see today is not a career criminal. I was changed by the power of God in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous while I was in prison.
As Bobby and I were talking before the meeting, I was free on the inside before they let me out on the outside. So I was lucky to move to Tampa and I ran into this lady at a PA meeting called Our Place. Now we have our own Our Place. We've been happily married for just a few short years now. We got married in 2016, so we're coming up on 10 years.
It's just been incredible. People ask me how long we've been married. I just say it's not long at all. Aww. We are so happy to be here. Thank you to Gail, to Linda, and the other organizers. But thank you for inviting us. It's an honor to be here. We're just going to have a good time.
So I'm going to turn it back over to TJ. He's going to give you an overview of what we're going to do and then we'll jump into our program. Okay? Thank you.
TJ:
So, relationships in recovery. Our big book tells us that relationships—we don't do them very well, do we? It's one of the hardest things that we do. But just as the steps are how it works, the traditions in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous are why it works.
So it's just the same thing with our relationships. When we practice the spiritual principles that go along with those traditions in our relationships, our relationships tend to work out better.
Just as in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, here they say there's a how of the program. Right? They tell us to be open, honest, open-minded, and willing. That's what we're going to ask you to do today here as well.
Let me ask just by a quick show of hands, how many of you here today are with your partner in a relationship?
(Audience raises hands)
Okay, so a couple ground rules for those of you who are with your partner. If there's something that you hear that maybe your partner may or may not do, we ask that you don't do things like, “Hey, you can't do that. That's not what you do.” I'm going to write that one down.
For those of you that are in our program, Upward Country, we need our program on who? Us. We look at ourselves here. So this is for you. It's not about how to change your partner; it's about how to change you so that maybe you can respond differently to your partner.
So we ask that you be open-minded. A disclaimer: We are not marriage counselors. We are not experts in this area. We are here to share our experience, strength, and hope on how we use the traditions in our relationship and how that works for us.
And we also want to note to you that if there is something—if we say something that you are like, “mm-mm,” maybe those are other things, but that one, “mm-mm,” like if something kind of hits your button, we challenge you to look at that.
Because I don't know about you, but when I hear some truth in my life and I bristle about it, it's typically because there is some truth there. It's something that I need to look at, and I just need to dig a little bit deeper.
So please just keep open-minded and in line with that. We are on this journey with you. We expect to be hearing some things today and learning some things today as we go through this program together.
There's a couple that was on the circuit for many, many years, Dave and Colleen Pistol. You may have heard of them. Oh, I have. Of course, Dave is in that big meeting in the sky today. Polly and I have had a discussion that she gave us her material, asked us to use it with her blessing.
We've done that and incorporated it. So if there's so much material that we have, we could not possibly cover it in 90 minutes. But what we've done is we've synergized things together so we do have a presentation in that time slot, and we have things that are available to you.
If you see contact information on the top of your handout, we could email you some other materials if you'd like. If you're old enough to have driven here, you're old enough to know that men's and women's minds work differently.
We have a very funny video we'd like to share with you on the email you sent it to us. We'll send that to you. But Dave and Polly used to talk about waffles and spaghetti. Let me break that down a little bit.
For a man, I think in isolated boxes. When I have my mind in my work box, please don't talk to me about the car box. I'm in my work box. I think very concretely and very isolated in that respect. All of my thinking is very focused.
Now, women, they can think of everything simultaneously. So if you picture the waffle and the spaghetti. Waffle has compartments or boxes, and spaghetti is all run together. Everything's touching. They're thinking about, you know, maybe they're a hairstylist and the car needs to be at an oil change in the yard, and what her husband is wearing at this particular moment, and the kids. Everything else is going simultaneously.
I've heard it said it just sounds like a plug going on in a woman's brain. There's a part of the man's brain that women cannot comprehend. So I understand that going in. It's a box that we call the nothing box.
Now, this nothing box is where men go, and we can just do nothing. You may have seen someone fishing for hours and hours. Maybe they'll catch fish. They're in their nothing box. Sometimes you can sit by the lakeside and just look at the lake.
TJ came into the living room the other day. I was in my nothing box, minding my own business. I heard her say, “You haven't been listening to a thing I've said, have you?” I thought, “That's an odd way to start a conversation.”
As you know, probably, women hate to see a man do nothing. So when we're in that nothing box, that's exactly what we're doing. So with that going into this, we do things differently. I don't know why God made us that way, but he did.
Maybe we need his help to come together in a relationship. But I'll tell you that we're, like TJ said, we're not counselors. We're not professionals here. But God has blessed us with a miraculous relationship.
We want to share with you the things that we've done and implemented through studying the material from the Pistols and other places that we've put together for you. It's incredible; with the proper tools, you can get the job done better.
I think with the proper relationship tools, we can get our relationships working better. All of us can, no matter how long we've been together. We've seen that.
So with that, I think we're ready to start jumping in. I just want to tell you a little bit about our story and how we met.
RON:
So Ron and I were one of those in AA stories that boy meets girl on AA campus. That's because we met in a place that is Valerie's go-to, called Our Place. It's a club. It's an AA club. And we met, and I would love to tell you that we did everything slow. And we thought things through. I tried. I tried. And we made really good decisions. And, you know, getting to know each other really well, you know, before we dove in head first. But you know the old joke, you know, what does an alcoholic bring to the third date? A U-Haul. A U-Haul. Right? So we weren't quite done yet.
But I will tell you that we moved very quickly. We met. We fell in love. It was just, you know, it was like God just presented the perfect person for us. I mean, I don't think we fought the first five years of our marriage. You know, I mean, we just, everything was easy. It was wonderful. And the crazy thing about that is both Ron and I came from very, very dysfunctional families. And neither one of us had good role models of what a healthy relationship looked like. So we really believe that God brought us together. He knew what he was doing because all of our past experiences in relationships show that. We didn't have good papers. Right?
So God brings us together and our relationship has been wonderful. We went to Hawaii. We got married on a beach in Maui. And so we have signs that say, just Maui. And we've just had, we really have a fairytale relationship. And it's not because we're these wonderful people. It's because, number one, when we met, we both had very strong programs in the group in Alcoholics Anonymous. We had both done a lot of work on ourselves before we met.
So, you know, it's the old adage of, you know, sick attracts sick. Right? And well attracts well. So because we had done the work on ourselves individually when we came together, it was a good fit. And we've just had a wonderful time. We just got back. We bought an RV four years ago. And we just got back from four months on the road. And I can tell you that if you've been in a relationship, if you've been with somebody, like solely, like they're your almost sole source of sociability.
And you can do that for four months. And if you can back your RV. And our RV is not little. We have a 42-foot wheels. Right? So we're like literally as big as a semi-tractor trailer. If you can back your trailer into an RV spot and still have a healthy marriage, you're doing it. So we spent four months on the road with each other. And we actually still love each other. And we still like each other. So we're doing pretty good.
And that's going to bring us to the first tradition. So if you guys do have a handout, as Juan said, we could do a whole day on this information. So we're not going to do everything. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm jumping in. I didn't get the next one. We're just going to start out on the front page. We're going to recite the third set of prayers. We revise a little bit for relationships. And so if we could read that together. And I think that puts us on the same page where we're going to go for the rest of the morning.
And together we pray. I offer my relationship to you. I offer my relationship to you. And now we're moving to the first tradition. And then as well, on the bottom of that page, there's some other things that happen. You've got blood languages and things that we are going to talk about as we go through the traditions. But it's a good resource for you to locate more into some of those things as you go forward.
So with tradition one, what I'm going to do is I'm going to read a tradition. And I'm going to read the relationship tradition. So AA's tradition one is our common welfare should come first. First of all, remember you can write it in unity. The relationship tradition one is our common welfare should come first. And all these relationships depend on our unity.
And I like to call this one the United States of Relationships. Right? So the thing about why is this the first tradition in AA? It's because the spiritual principle is unity. Without being unified, without having a unified front in recovery in AA, AA would disappear and go away. Right? We have to have that unity. That is the foundation to build any relationship, any work on.
We have to have a unified goal and a unified purpose. And it's the same thing with our relationships. Right? So just as there's one program of Alcoholics Anonymous, it's what is written in the pages I through 164. So just as that is our unified program in AA, you and your partner need to have a unified program of life. Right? We need to have shared goals, shared values, morals, you know, ideas of what we think our lives should look like.
And that needs to be unified into one program of our relationship. Unity means two become one. Right? In our relationship. So it's no longer me and you. It's us. It's our. You know, when I have conversations with people and, you know, Ron and I, we have, you know, we got to still be on at home. You know, we have things that we need to know. But I talk about our things. It's not my things. It's not his things. It's our things. Right?
So two become one. And that includes our money. If you are in a monogamous committed relationship, you know, the things that we can't select what we become one in. We become one in every single area of our lives, including our finances. And I will challenge those of you who aren't in that. It's not because. And I get that. Because I was in relationships where I was like, I'm not co-mingling with you. Right?
And why didn't I want to co-mingle with them? Because I don't trust. Right. And I got one foot out the door. Because just in case you don't behave the way that I think you should behave, I got a plan B. I got an hour. Right? With Ron and I, there's no plan B. Right? But when we did our marriage vows, you know, our marriage vows sounded something like for better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. In good times and bad. Till death do you part.
That was what our marriage vows sounded like. And I think that probably some of you are set at the same. It didn't say, as long as you make me happy. As long as you behave the way I think you should. Right? So we become unified in that there's no plan B. Which means that we have to have, we're going to save questions for later. So just hold on. Write them down if you do have questions. I have a few back there. So if you have any questions, write them down and we'll save those for later.
Okay? So, and that means that we have to have a mature and healthy conflict resolution. You know? Because guess what? If anybody's ever been in a relationship, what's going to happen? You're going to fight. Right? I don't care who you are. As I said, Ron and I, we rarely fight. We really rarely do. Even to this day, we rarely fight. But we've had some conversations. If you know what I mean. You know?
But we have to have a true conflict resolution. And so we have some rules. The first rule is there's no D-box. Right? There's no threat of divorce. There's no threat of leaving. We don't call each other names. You know? And so, you know, and there's a couple things that go a long way. A couple sentences that go a long way. And the first one is, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm going to try my best not to do that again. Right?
And we learn how to be curious and not critical. Because you know what? Like, he's my safe place. He's my sanctuary. He's my home. Right? There's nobody who loves me more than him. So if I have a conflict with him, most of the time it's maybe I don't have all the information that I need to have. Maybe I'm not understanding something that's going on, you know, or his perspective.
So I need to be open to that to gain information and then make an opinion and then be able to talk about that in a mature, healthy, kind, loving, and respectful manner. So then we have some questions for later reflection. And I'm just going to kind of throw a couple of them out there just so you can see. But what we do recommend is that if you are in a relationship, that you sit down with your partner and ask each other these questions.
And then give each other permission to honestly answer those questions for you without being combative, you know, and defensive in that. So one of them is, you know, what am I willing to sacrifice for my relationship? Am I a giver or a taker in my relationship? Do I do unifying things or am I quick to criticize and slow to break? And then another one that I have written in there is, does my partner think I'm a good partner? You know, because it doesn't matter what I think. It matters what he thinks.
And there's lots of other questions with that. So moving to tradition two. One of the first things that TJ and I established in our relationship was that we were going to come to terms. God came first, recovery second. And actually, recovery first, God second. And then we came third. And we kept that priority and it worked really well. And we trust each other.
Tradition two of AA says, for our true purpose, there is but one ultimate authority. We love God as he may express himself in our true conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern. Relationship tradition two says, for our relationship, there is but one ultimate authority. A loving God as he may express himself to us. Neither of us govern the relationship. We are equal servants to each other.
There's no head of our marriage. There is except for God. We are equal partners in that. I've read recently that over half of the marriages that are consummated, they are in America today. Then I read an article that those people that are churchgoers, it's less. A little bit less. But those couples that pray together on a regular basis, they don't get divorced nearly as often. It hardly ever happens.
So we make a practice. And I can't say that we do every single day together, but most days we start with a devotion and prayer together.
RON:
And we do that. We really develop a trust. So T.J. hit some of the high points of trust in our unifying statement as well. But neither of us speak for the other in our relationship. We respect each other. She has her own opinion. I have mine. We often will check with each other, as she said, you know, how am I doing? Can I do things better?
Now, when we have that conversation, I usually bring a pad and pencil for taking notes. There's not much I can give her that she can do better. She's just a blessing. And I say that purely because it's a nice date night. I want you to try and ask me a prayer: God, treat me tomorrow the way I treat my partner today. Think about that as you go about your business today. Isn't it odd that the people we care about the most, oftentimes we tend to treat the worst? They see the worst side of us sometimes.
And I never want to stop courting my wife. I never want to stop romancing my wife. I think that's important. And the trust that we've developed. Let me ask you a couple of these questions that T.J. pointed to that are out in the little handout we have of the triangle. Do you see that? If you look at that triangle on a daily walk, if you're seeking a closer spiritual connection with God and your partner is doing the same thing, this triangle shows that you will inevitably move closer together in that relationship.
So, do I do my share around the house? Can T.J. trust that I'm going to be responsible? We have financial agreements; we'll get to that a little bit more, that we try not to break. I broke one just the other day. It was early morning, I'm an early riser, and I'm up for several hours before she gets up. And I made a purchase decision. We have a rule that we don't go for certain dollar amounts. It's not because I need permission; it's because we're partners.
And I made a specialist decision, which is my way, and I had to backtrack on that. And I was willing to do that because my ego is not nearly as important as our relationship. And so that's part of the problem in our relationship. Thank you. Just a couple questions in transition. Do I insist on being a leader? Do I feel that it is my place to govern? Do we strive for equity?
Do I speak for my partner without consulting him or her? Do I criticize my partner, especially in public? There's nothing standard that I see, and sometimes when you all, especially at a meeting, sometimes people are publicly criticizing their partner. Right? There are things that should be shared in the meeting, and things that are shared in the response, right? Am I absolutely trustworthy? Yes.
Tradition three, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Relationship Tradition three is a key requirement for a good, healthy relationship: a mutual desire to make it work. And they said before, we have no plan B. Right? So we're in. And, you know, I have to tell you that that is one of the most secure things that I have in my relationship. Like, I know that even though we may have struggles, we may have a problem, he's not going anywhere.
And if you look on the first page of that handout, we talk about men's needs and women's needs. Right? So men have a mega need, which is honor and respect. That's their first need. We have a women's mega need, which is security. Right? So for me, knowing that, oh my goodness, I better not say this, oh my goodness, even in my meetings, I think, oh my goodness, he's going to leave me. He's going to leave me.
I have some financial security because I blew my life up really because of being a raging alcoholic. Right? So I had spent all my savings and money and came into AA like $70,000 in debt. So financial insecurity is an issue for me. So, you know, if he leaves, what's that going to mean? Right? So it's very secure to know that he's not going anywhere. He's working through.
But the first bullet point is gratitude for your partner for keeping your desire together. And think about what's the biggest risk for your recovery when you have time? Some places. Thank you very much. So if you think about it, anybody that you see that's been in a room with an alcoholic that has had some time in recovery and you see them go out and then they eventually come back and they're beat up, right?
And you say, hey, what happened? The story is the same every single time. They do the slow fade from the program. They become complacent. Right? They take things for granted. They get these big, beautiful lives. Right? And then they give up the very thing that gave it to them. Right? It's the same thing with relationships. When I begin to take Ron for granted, right, and then it's all about me and not about me being a good wife for him.
Right? Then I take him for granted and that's when problems start to arise. Right? I'm willing to work on myself to improve me in a relationship. Right? And I am willing to go at any length to change any behavior that is a hindrance to maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. You know?
I love, I grew up with one time, this couple that prays together and the couple says, you know, we ask each other, how can I pray for you today? You know, am I a good wife? How can I be a better wife? Is there anything that I'm doing that you're not happy with? Is there anything more that I could be doing to better serve you?
And on that first handout, we had the acronym SERV because, you know, relationships are brutal on selfish people. What's our main problem? Alcohol. Selfish. Selfish and self-centered. Right? It's all about me. I needed to have a service partner. So just that service is important in the moment of recovery. It's super important in our relationship. You know?
So when you have two servants in a relationship looking to serve each other, that's when a healthy relationship has happened. When you have two selfish people, we all know where that's headed. Right? So, a couple questions on Tradition 3D. Do my actions say that I have a desire to be in a relationship? My husband says to me sometimes, I hear him say, I'm sorry I can't hear you because you're walking too fast.
Right? So am I proclaiming something but my actions don't match my words? Right? He doesn't say that to me. I've heard that a lot. Do I set myself up as a judge for my partner's intentions and concerns? Do I judge my partner in anything? And do I approach my marriage or relationship unselfishly?
Do I depend on my partner's language, looks, race, education, age, career, job, or other things for my own selfish esteem? Tradition 4. You know, selfishness and self-centeredness, that is our relationship. Last night, I was working on this set with Claude and he said, you know, I just need to learn to love myself.
And using old sage advice that I acquired after three decades of trying, I said, shut up. So, Tradition 4. Each group should be autonomous, except the matters affecting the other groups or AA as a whole. I have Relationships Tradition 4. Each partner should be autonomous, except the matters affecting the other partners or family or relationship as a whole.
Now, both T.J. and I have things we do that we just do. We're autonomous. We have that thing that you do. She was out with the ladies last night and having seafood dinner and I go mountain biking and have sporting things that I do separately. But there's one thing that I will do that will adversely affect her life.
When I go mountain biking and I'm by myself and I'm out on the trails, I stop every 30 minutes and text her and let her know I'm still alive. And she appreciates that. That just takes a moment to do and it's not because I have to; it's because I want to. And we want to have our behaviors be in line with our common purpose, our unity, to make the relationship work and to do whatever is necessary to achieve that.
I don't find that to be a chore because when we're unified, I feel a closeness in our spirit and I want that for everyone that's in a relationship. That kind of, I believe, God-centered connectedness is only a gift from God and it's not because we're special. It's because God is special.
When we disagree, we disagree with respect. There's not any, I don't know a better human being in this world than the one I'm married to and I don't know why God graced me with that but I feel like I have the best wife on the planet. And guys, I hope you think the same thing about yours. But I respect her and I respect her decision making. I respect her thinking.
I don't always agree with her but when I disagree, we disagree respectfully. So there are some questions that I think put us on point. These are questions, what we suggest people do is take one tradition at a time. You know, it's better to do this with like marksman precision rather than shotgun blast and just take one tradition a weekend or something with your partner and ask these questions and talk about it and dig in with each other.
Do I feel like there are only certain ways to do things? And are they my way and do I insist on doing them? You know, if you live in a home with somebody, there's going to be some differences. I heard T.J. sharing with her sponsor one time. I have an office at home and she's talking to her sponsor. She says, see, that's how he leaves that towel in the kitchen sink.
Well, I just drop it and throw it out. I don't anymore. I fold it down now and put it there. It takes two seconds. I did find that. And it's not that bad. And so I didn't know it would bother me. And when I heard that, I wanted, you know what? Unity is more important than just being right about it.
Do I always think about how or if my decisions will affect my partner? I told you an incident just the other morning. I ordered some stuff on Amazon. Do you guys get Amazon amnesia at your home? Yeah. Do you believe that? No? And I'm the only one ordering. Don't forget. So I didn't realize that I did something. I went against our financial plan and I had to back that up.
RON:
I was able to cancel the plan. Do I carefully avoid injuring my partner emotionally, physically, or spiritually? You know, in my youth and years, I remember the look in the eyes of the people that I love the most in the world and how I hurt them. That's not a look I ever want to see again. And I'm so glad to tell you that it's a look I have not seen in TJ's time. And I want to guard that. We have a blemishless relationship. We don't have these big injuries that we have to overcome. Now, if you do, you can go get through those. But I'm going to practice my behaviors today in a way that's not going to bring any. I'm going to treat her today the way I want God to treat me tomorrow, like that prayer said.
How do I deal with my partner's anger regarding something I've done? We have a boat. I love to fish. I'm not good, but I'm enthusiastic. And I love to be out on the water. That's my happy place. So is being out in the woods on my mountain bike. But I can do those things to excess where it takes our time away. We own a business. We run a legal services company. And for me, that's pretty cool because from my background, I used to run illegal services. But we say we're a business. And so our free time is important. And I don't want to spend all of my free time away from the person that I cherish most in this world. So I just want to keep that in record. That's one of the things I ask her. Am I doing too much of this?
So we'll move on to five.
TJ:
Okay. Tradition five. A.A. Tradition five. Each group has but one primary purpose. To carry the message to the other. The relationship, tradition five, is each relationship has but one primary purpose. To love and serve each other as an expression of God's love in our relationship. And so in order to serve as an expression of God's love, we need to understand that God loves us unconditionally. Flaws and all. Right? I don't know about you guys, but I know sometimes I can be a little judgmental. I can be a little critical. And, you know, as an alcoholic, selfish and self-centered, I can, you know, you ever hear about the 80-20 rule? So, you know, we may look at a situation and 80% of that situation is good. It's healthy. It's loving. It's wonderful. And 20% maybe can change some things. Right? But what are we focused on? The 20%. Right? You know?
And my first sponsor used to tell me a saying and she said, "TJ, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Right? We have a disease of perception. Right? So I have to change the way I look at things. And don't I want people to have grace for my faults? Right? Or when I make a mistake or when I misspeak, don't I want grace for that? Am I willing to extend that same grace in my most important relationship? And, you know, I love Bob. He's absolutely wonderful. But, you know, he's not perfect. And certainly, nor am I. So I take it all. Right? Good times and bad. All of this stuff.
Then I like to go, what is love? Right? Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy or boast. It's not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It's not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with truth. Right? That is probably spoken at most marriages. Right? It's one of the most common things, most common readings that people will do at the wedding. They talk about what is love. Right? Does your love, does your relationship emulate those things? Is it a reflection of those things here?
And we talk about complacency for a minute. Love is much more than just a fleeting emotion. Right? It's an action. It's what we do. And I heard one of the marriage counselors that I listen to, and I do listen to a marriage counselor, and it's not because I need a marriage counselor. It's because I want a healthy marriage. Right? And just as I do things to learn about recovery, I learn about the things that are important to me. Right? But this marriage counselor was saying that, you know, this is what he hears most of the time. He hears, you know, a couple come in, and one of them will say, "I just don't love them anymore. We've fallen out of love. We've grown apart." And his answer is always, "Well, then go home and love them." Love is an action. It's what we do. It's not just what we feel. And when we do the actions, what comes? Right? The feelings come. You know?
So we need to be able to do that. And just as, in fact, both love and service are action words, both require actions and can sometimes be inconvenient. Right? And they require work. But the payoffs are huge and well worth the effort.
So, questions for later discussion. Do we have a primary purpose and do we know what it is? This is something that you should be asking. You know, because every couple's relationship and their primary purpose is going to be different. Do I resort to emotional blackmail? Do I ever start sitting with you with a phrase, "If you love me, you will..." Or, "I wouldn't have done that if you didn't do this." Do I demand precise equality? And if so, do I monitor my share as closely as I do his? Right?
And guess what? When you're in a relationship, it ain't 50-50. You know? Sometimes it's 20-80. Sometimes it's the opposite. Right? Sometimes it's 120-0. Or vice versa. You know? And thank God, I feel, and that's how God works in our lives, right? When one of us is spiritually unfit, thankfully the other one tends to be spiritually fit. Right? And we can balance one another. And that's what makes it work. We are a team. It's not us. It's us. We.
RON:
I think the last time we were both spiritually unfit, we ended up with a new RV. Yeah. That's probably true.
TJ:
Provision 6. Solidarity. An A.A. group will never endorse, finance, or lend to any name in any related facility or outside enterprise. Let problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
Relationship Provision 6. We will never single-handedly endorse, finance, or lend our name to any outside enterprise. Let problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our commitment to each other. You know, it's not a contest. Who makes the most money and who makes the most decisions? We are equal.
And I remember an old theologian who had a quote that just stuck with me. His name was Matthew Henry. And he said that women were not made from the head of man to rule over him, nor was she made from the foot of man to be trodden over by him. She was made from the rib of man to walk beside him in equality, close to his heart to be loved, and under his arm to be protected. And I think that defines our roles pretty well. We are equal, although we may have different roles. But I won't make a decision that's going to affect our lives without us talking about it.
We currently have one of my sponsees living in the RV next to the house. And he's renting it for a while. He's making a transition in life. We talked about that. We made a decision. It's not my RV. I don't run this. I've heard that from some men. They feel like they need to assert dominance. And I'll share with you that I don't think that, well, I'll tell you that I don't think that works on a red-headed Jersey girl. It doesn't work here. And I wouldn't try to do that because I really do see her as my equal.
So we do not seek permission from our partner. Rather, we apply consideration and respect to the other before we make a decision. I remember one time she was meeting with a sponsee. And I was walking out. And I said, "I'm going to run through this area. And I think I'm going to stop for a month, a few months, whatever." And I walked out. And the sponsee asked her, "Did he just ask permission?" And her response was, "No. We share a life together. And he wanted to make sure I didn't have plans for tonight that he was going to mess up." And it's just consideration. I didn't ever tell him that I was asking permission. Neither did I to her. But we're equal in this relationship. It doesn't mean we're codependent. We're not saying that all my decisions have to be run by her. We are autonomous, as we talked about previously in one of the other traditions.
So a couple questions to ask each other. And I saw a couple folks just come in and welcome. We're on tradition six in your booklet. We're just wrapping that up. We're going to try to go, I guess, until about 12:30. We're halfway through. So do well. And then we'll break for lunch. We're going to have some questions the last 20, 30 minutes. And if you have any questions, just jot them down. And if we don't know the answer, my sponsor is here.
So here's a question that we can ask ourselves. Do I seek others' approval before the approval of my partner? Interesting. Do I keep secrets from my partner regarding outside issues? Money, commitments, friendships, social media? I'll tell you that this column is open to her. She hasn't asked her. Her column is open to me. Here's a couple who say that that's crazy. There's no areas of my life that's not accessible to my wife. None. And I need to keep it that way, in my opinion. I don't have a secret bank account or a secret credit card. We share, you know, we keep a little cash on us. But we don't do so well with cash, so we limit that. But we're open to that. We're equal to that. And we're transparent, is the word I'm trying to find there.
Another question. Do I bring stress and frustration from outside enterprises, like work, traffic, family, et cetera, home to my partner and take my frustration or stress out on them? And here's a few. I had a very stressful day yesterday. And she called. I was in Tampa traffic with my boat, and I was trying to navigate an inner-city Tampa. And somehow I ended up in the hood, so I'm envisioning myself walking home in my underwear. And I'm in a big city, you might understand that. And she called. And a two-minute conversation. The stress was so much relieving. I felt so much better. Not because she picked it up off me, but because I shared it.
RON:
Together we can carry a much bigger load than we can do alone. That's the kind of stuff. Now, it's okay for me to drive and bring these people home, and that's where I'm welcome to be. But the difference is, I'm not going to take it out on her. I'm going to share it with her. And I think there's a big difference there.
Now, typically what we do, and we're going to skip this for a short time here, but I want to explain it to you so it's a tool that you can use in your relationship. Typically we take a break and we do a 30-second topic. You know what alcohol is. When we disperse, sometimes it's hard to refresh. I call it like bird and cats. So we're not going to do that because we need to kind of keep things moving.
But we do every morning. I don't say I'm going to live at like 4 o'clock and I am not. And so he's up for a couple hours before me, and when I get up and we say good morning, we do a 30-second hug. Now, if you've never done a 30-second hug with somebody, and if it's not somebody that you're in a love relationship, don't do that. Don't do that. If you're a person that you're in a relationship with, do a 30-second hug. Because what does a hug symbolize, right? A hug symbolizes welcome, love, acceptance. Right? And then you get that physical connection. And it's super important.
So we do a 30-second hug at least once a day, if not more. Sometimes one of you will just come up and be like, I need a hug. You know? And it just melts away the stress of the day and it gives you that intimate connection that we all need. So please use that. There's actually recently a hug like that. There's a hormonal change. And your body produces hormones that are just calming. And it really, really works. It's also a great barometer of how you're doing in your relationship. If you're doing this, you have some secrets, some things are going on that's very revealing.
And lastly, just a warning, if you try to hug someone that you don't know for 30 seconds, they do call that false imprisonment. So be careful.
RON:
Okay. Tradition 7. Every AA group ought to be fully self-supportive. The relationship in Tradition 7 is each partner ought to strive to be fully self-supportive spiritually, emotionally, and physically. And just to note, so unlike the application of Tradition 7 to an AA group, we do not believe each partner in a relationship should be financially self-supportive. So here's the difference. Because, again, remember, we're a team.
And this especially goes when you have a family. And maybe one person in the family is a stay-at-home mom or dad. So you may have one breadwinner in the family. But guess what? Anybody who's ever been a stay-at-home parent knows that, like, you were 24-7. Thank you. 24-7. You know, it's not just a nine-to-one. So both are working, right? And you're working towards that unified purpose that you guys have come together in the family. So it's not a financially self-supportive. It's the emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
And it is not, your partner is not your IRO, not your HP, right? And is not responsible for making you happy. Right? That is your job. This is an inside job for all of us, right? But we believe that we're here to enhance each other's lives, not be each other's lives.
So, and, you know, we have a lot of differences. I mean, Ron and I, he kind of mentioned, you know, he can be very spontaneous, you know? And he makes quick decisions. I am, you know, I am an organizer. I like all the information before I make a decision, you know? And that can drive him a little crazy sometimes, and he can drive me a little crazy sometimes. Because I'm like, you should think about this, you should think about that.
And here's another difference between men and women, right? So, something could happen, and he'll come home and he'll say, oh, did you hear that, you know, Joe was in a car accident? Oh, my goodness, Joe was in a car accident? What happened? I don't know, Joe. Where was he? You know? I don't know. You know? Well, what happened? Was anybody hurt? Well, I talked to Joe, so I'm not sure. Oh, my goodness, whose fault was it? I don't know, Joe. I want all the details, right? I want the details. I want the 411, right? Men are not like that.
Somebody said one time, Joe, your husband's been working in the plant, and he watched the, you know, the 5 o'clock news, and he says, oh, there was a nuclear explosion in the plant. Why didn't you tell me? Oh, yeah, that didn't happen. Anyway, they're very, very different. But we make each other stronger together, right? So we have to embrace the differences, and that's a good thing, right? Because it wouldn't be good if we were both the same. Like, if we're both the same, then one of us is not necessary, right? So we have different strengths, and that's a good thing.
So questions for later discussion. Does being in a relationship with my partner make my life better all the more? He is the greatest gift in my life. I am so grateful to be married to him and to have the relationship that we have. He has improved my life greatly in so many areas.
Let's see. Do I accept responsibility for myself? Can I admit to my innermost self that my problems are of my own making? Do I try and manage and control for the first strength? Am I managed and controlled by the first strength? Can I point to at least one thing right now that determines the degree of healthy independence that we have?
And so, you know, there's a huge difference between codependence and interdependence, right? I don't know what codependence is. He's not responsible for my happiness, right? You know, but we act as one unified unit. It's the same relationship with our relationship with God, right? It's that spiritual axiom that we talk about that when I am dependent on God, right, that's when I gain, really gain my independence.
RON:
Tradition 8. Alcoholics and non-addicts should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special relationships. Relationships, Tradition 8. Our relationships should remain forever equal and free. Neither of us is the boss of the relationship. And the spirit of principle for this tradition is fellowship. Like I said earlier, we're equal. We see each other as equals. And we treat each other as equals.
A couple points I wanted to make. We do have more information in our house. There are certain things that I do, certain things that TJ does, and it's not because they're our jobs. But we do seek to serve each other. That's part of what we're hoping to do. I take care of the outside. I cut the grass and do this, you know, this is stuff around the house. And it's a big yard, and it does a lot of the inside.
We had a vacuum cleaner, for instance, for over a year before, but I pulled it out and I had to figure out how to turn it on. And she was making fun of us and said, well, go start tomorrow. It's one thing, right? It's not because we can't do those things. We don't have any certain assignments. But when I'm cutting the grass, I'm not a professional landscaper. I do a pretty good job, and I like what we do, and for a lot of years I didn't have a yard, so I value cutting the grass.
And she does a great job in the house, but I also help with the laundry and the dishes. There's nothing wrong with that. She still thinks that her car has the bottomless gas tank that just keeps going because I take care of filling the gas. And part of that is I work in the criminal law field, and I see terrible things happen, and gas stations are one of the places where those terrible things happen. And I don't want her to ever be at risk. It's just something I feel responsible with as a man in a relationship to detach her from those things. Just a little bit, right? I call it my magic ball. Yeah, right. And it's clean, too.
What we give in our relationship, we will give back. There is a spiritual principle, and it's a principle that I found to be true, that every point in your life seems to work out. Whatever you sow, you will reap. If I sow service, love, and respect into my relationship, what am I going to get back? And it seems to work very well.
Unconditional love in a healthy relationship helps to remove the self-centeredness, which is the biggest barrier in our relationship. And I only get that by being close to God and making that priority in my life, through my recovery, stay plugged in to the power source. You know, this microphone works because it's plugged in to the power source. If I, as a recovered alcoholic, remain plugged in to the power source, I will continue to recover. If I get unplugged from the power source, just like unplugging this microphone, it will be useless. And it might look okay for a while, but it's not functional. Neither will I be.
So, some of the questions for discussion. Do I trounce? Do I try to sound like an expert on things? Well, it is a program of honesty, isn't it? I tend to do that. If so, why do I need to do that? And is it simply because of my ego? I'm not an expert on all things. Is my security at risk? Is my fear being triggered? How does my ego feel threatened? Things that I can ask myself when those things are going on.
Do I try to understand my partner's position on things? And her views on things? I have a deal where I'll call with you and say a few times, I'd like a free report tonight, but I just want you to know in advance, I'm okay. And she knows that that usually means I'm in the ER, and my life-sustaining injuries have been stabilized, and that kind of thing. But once, I was on a jet ski that ran out of gas in Tampa Bay, and I was drifting into the shipping plane with no lights, it was getting dark, and she had called the coast guard. Interesting. That's the kind of thing I get myself into.
So, does my identity and feelings of self-worth depend on my relationship with my partner? That's a problem. Identity and value should be determined by God alone. That's what I've found.
RON:
There's a lot of questions on that one, and here's one I like. Do I feel that my partner belongs to me? You know, that could be it, but you're good at it. You know, if she's not my possession, I have the blessing of sharing life with her. And again, being equal in relationships is important.
Tradition 9, A.A. Tradition is A.A. as such must never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible for those they serve. The Relationship Tradition 9 is all relationships should be flexible within an organization, but our group conscience may appoint certain persons to be responsible for various functions. Right, so we have different roles.
Again, it's part of the we, right, the unified front. Ron mentioned that, you know, typically, you know, we'll take care of business. Like, we make a really good team. You know, and for example, I told you that we RV for the summer, and the things that we establish in our home, our brick-and-mortar home, we kind of bring on the road with us.
He tends to take care of the outside of the stuff in the RV. I take care of the inside. There's a lot of moving parts when you talk to me. We have to set things up and break things down and tighten things down and do all sorts of goofy things. But, you know, so he basically does it, and then I go and I do ours, and it works really, really well together.
So we have different services. We have different responsibilities that we do, and there is some overlap between eight and nine of this workshop. The difference is traditionally we deal with the nonprofessionals, while traditionally it focuses on organization, right, so how we make our home work.
And because, you know, anybody that has a house or responsibilities and jobs, you know, there's responsibilities that need to be done, right? Things have to be done. They need to be done, right? They need to be taken care of. They need to be fed. They need to have clean clothes. They need to get to school. They need to be picked up. You know, you have a bed, you have blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? There's a lot of stuff going on.
And so flexible organization requires effective communication so that everybody understands what their responsibilities are. Like, it could be a problem. Say, for example, you have kids, and somebody was supposed to pick them up from school, but they didn't communicate who was going to do that, and they're standing out on the curb, and everybody picks them up because you thought he was doing it, she thought you were doing it, and, you know, that's a problem, so you've got to have that effective communication.
And then the consequences of deciding to ignore those agreed-upon duties in the home is reduced unity, reduced peace, reduced happiness in the relationship. So we've got to have clear expectations because what are expectations? We're here to resent them, right? And we want to make sure that we're clear in that.
So, let's see. We may designate tasks on how each of us may serve each other in the relationship that neither one of us rules over the other in our organization, and it must remain flexible. So we talked about both having a servant talk, how may I serve you better? We try to serve each other, you know? And it's not about me. What can I do for you today? What can I do for you today? And that works.
So, you know, marriage and relationships are brutal on selfish people, and a committed relationship will kill you before it blesses you. And when I say marriage will kill you, I mean the you, the selfishness of you, right? We have to go from being self-centered to God-centered.
And when I am God-centered, you know, in my faith, the greatest commandment is to love God with all my heart, mind, and soul and to love each other as myself. And guess what? I love me some me, right? I want people to treat me well, right? So I need to treat, especially my most important relationship, just as I would treat myself.
So questions for later discussion. Do we divide chores around the house? How can I better serve my partner? Do I demand certain things from my partner, right? Do I exercise patience and humility in the things that I do for my relationship? Like, what do we say is our code in AA? Love and tolerance.
Love and tolerance is our code. Do we have love and tolerance for the sick and suffering alcoholic and the hump and proverbial kick the cat? Right? You know, why don't we give the same love and tolerance to the people who supposedly mean the most to us? Right? But we can do that for a virtual stranger.
Tradition tells that Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Relationships tradition tells we each are entitled to our own opinion on outside issues, hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy. And the spiritual principle is neutrality.
And we live in a busy world, a lot of distractions, and it's easy to access a lot of information. And that can develop somewhat controversial opinions, based upon the information we gather. I don't ever want to... She said we didn't get in an argument for five years of our marriage. I must have been in my nothing box that day because I don't remember that.
We've had disagreements, but I've never heard her call me a name. I've never called her a name. I don't think we've ever yelled at each other. But there has been some tone that we have used so we're not perfect in that respect. But we're gonna have some differences in opinions, right? I'm not gonna go air our dirty laundry and make that a public issue. I'm gonna keep that personal and keep that private.
We each have a right to disagree about outside issues without being critical or offensive to each other. I know couples who have vastly different political views in our culture today, in our country. That can be a real dividing point. It doesn't have to be. Because if you respect and love your partner the way that God intended us to do, then there are times when that happens.
Neither of us carry, quote, our opinion, unquote, around for public display. I have mine. She has hers. And I don't try to speak for her. Always try to be courteous. The very essence of our culture is not as an alibi group to treat others, all others, with patience, tolerance, courtesy, and kindness.
A quiet, composed response, typically, turns away anger. T.J. talked about it a little while ago, you know, love is an action, not a feeling. It's kind of like faith, isn't it? I don't know if you're a person of faith, but people have talked about developing our faith in prayer and meditation and step 11.
And I can tell you that a person of, I am a person of faith. I don't always feel my faith. But I'm called to walk in my faith. And so there's been times when I've faced, you know, I've had some health problems, laying dying on a journey, and I was facing death. And I didn't feel, you know, like a pep rally service where I was jumping up and down and hooting and hollering and feeling my faith.
But instead I felt peaceful because I had faith. There were times when I was looking at business situations and I felt fear and so forth, but I still acted in faith. If I get to the point that I'm not feeling the love of my wife, that's when I go home and I act with loving kindness towards my wife. And it's the same thing with the faith. You're not always going to feel it. Sometimes it's a verb.
And you'd rather not feel it. So here's the question. Would my partner say that I love them well? And I think it's good to ask your partner that, and if not, how can I improve? Another one. Does either of us have emotional scars from repeated heated controversies and struggles for power and control? Those things can be healed, and we can change and grow.
While we're together, here's a good one, do I spend more time on my phone than talking to my partner? Let me paint a picture for you of all scenes. It's a nice restaurant. It's an evening. A couple is out for a date. And you look over at the table, and they have a nice table set up, and it's a beautiful restaurant and both of them are.
Are you on a date with your partner or with your phone? Suggestion, leave the phone in the car. Put it in your purse, your back pocket. Put it away and focus. And we do the same thing at home sometimes. So we try to have that time together to prioritize each other and feel special because we are special to each other.
All right, tradition 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and film. Our relationship tradition 11 is we attract our top partner in our relationship by loving them rather than by promoting ourselves by delusion, manipulation, or force.
We maintain personal anonymity in our relationship by keeping our partner's confidence and trust. And our spiritual principle here is anonymity. So, you know, it is my responsibility to be my very best, my most attractive partner for them. And I'm not talking about just the outward appearance, right? You know, because, you know, guess what? You know, especially if you've been together with somebody from, you know, back when you were young and hot and, you know, firm and things weren't that nice and, you know, and then, you know, we get older.
We get older and things tend to shift and fade and, you know, a couple more pounds come on and we get sick or, you know what I mean? Like life is life. Life is life is hard sometimes. However, it is my responsibility that through all of that that I try and be as attractive as I can to them. And that's not just, again, the physical attraction. It's where is our connection? Do we have, are we emotionally connected? Are we intimate, right?
And I'm not even just talking about physical intimacy, which I know that men would really like to talk about as an intimacy, which reminds me, on the men's beneath, right?
RON:
So one of men's mechanisms is physical intimacy. But one of women's mechanisms is more emotional intimacy, and we need to have that emotional connection, guys, before we, you know, want to have the physical connection. So we need to understand that with each other.
But how do we maintain that intimacy? And I will tell you, Ron mentioned that we do, most mornings, do a devotion together and we pray together each morning. You know, we have the same conception of God. God is extremely important. That's a triangle. We're always working to grow closer to God, and then the net result of that is that as we each grow closer to God, we inevitably get closer to one another, and we have that attraction and that connection to one another.
We talk about complacency. Complacency is taking each other for granted or a huge risk in a relationship, and it will lessen the attraction. You know, we never stop dating, you know? I mean, you're all in a lot of jokes at work that we have an asexual relationship, but we haven't even dated. You know, and it's really important, too, that you do those things.
I know sometimes I can seem, like, not spontaneous or not personal, but, you know, like, we have a really busy life. We got a lot of moving parts, you know? And sometimes, I don't see Ron, like, and we work together, right? We work together in the same hospital, and sometimes, like, we don't get to spend time together until, like, Thursday nights of the week, right? You know, so because we have a lot of stuff and we go in different directions.
So you have to plan these things, and it might sound like, well, that's not romantic. You know, it's okay. Do it anyway, and it'll be okay. It'll be romantic. You get that intimate connection, and God takes care of the rest.
Let's see, this is a huge one. Encourage instead of criticize, right? Remember beforehand I said, you know, be curious, not critical. But here's another one for you: give each other the ability to complain but not be critical, right? So when something happens, right? Like, Ron's my safe space, right? You know, so if I can't talk to him about something, who can I talk to about it?
You know, but it's okay for me to complain about something, but I can't be like, "You did this and you did that." It's like, let's talk about the behavior, you know, and the circumstance, but I'm not saying, you know, "You're a..." you know, I can't rely on you or I can't, you know, don't leave it at that. That's the other person. So we can complain, but we're not critical of the person.
We accept our partner exactly as they are and realize it's not our responsibility or our ability to change that. Some questions for later discussion. You can see, see, this is the difference too between us, right? So I have two sets of notes and Ron has my notes on them, and Ron does not, and Ron just cares, right?
Okay. Do I exemplify loving service or compel complaints in my relationship? Is my relationship for you with care and help? Do I think my relationship is attractive to others? That's a big one. You know, I was having a conversation with Chris earlier, and we were talking about sponsees.
And, you know, Ron and I, since we've been home, we have like just an avalanche of problems that we've not been home to. When you leave your house for four months, like you come home and like there's just stuff that has to be dealt with, and we literally have had 13 different problems in the past two weeks since we've been home, and it's been overwhelming, like literally overwhelming.
And because we're people of faith and because we trust and believe in God and know that He is faithful and He's in the midst of the details of our lives, the way that we respond to that is through faith, not fear. Right, you know? And so, and I was thinking of, and I was talking to one of my sponsees, and like they watch us, right? They watch us, they listen to us, you know?
And when you don't even realize that people are watching and they're listening, you know? So when people see you interact with your spouse, do they think, "Ooh, they should have me?" Oh, that looks like an unhealthy relationship, or do they go, "Me?" Like, you know, sorry for him, you know? So people are watching.
So when people say that you have an unhealthy relationship, and just because it's something that people would like to strive to have, I'll like to refer to that response you sent me on this. Right? I hope that was fun. It was fun.
You know, when TJ's talking about what other people think of our relationship, it's not that we're promoting anything. It's just that we're doing it at home and we're living a life, and that has the results of producing fruit in our life that's attractive to other people. And I hope it's the same thing we do in sobriety.
We're not out promoting ourselves. We're not out promoting the program I call synonymous. We're living it. And by doing that, we change into people that people are attracted to. The first thing I saw in men's eyes when I came to AA back in 1991 was something I couldn't quantify. I couldn't put a label on it. I didn't understand it.
And I now know it is peace. That's priceless. I didn't have that. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin no matter where I went or what I was doing.
TJ:
So Ron was referring to the men's posse, and we were having our first sponsored posse meeting. Those are always interesting, aren't they? So I said, "Why me?" You know? And he said, "Well, you know, I heard in the meetings that when you see someone who has what you want, go get them to be your sponsor." And I felt, yeah. That was cool. I liked that.
And then he went on. He said, "When I saw your wife, I had to hold up." That's not what they were talking about. We do try to keep ourselves and keep ourselves attracted to people, right? She's a personal trainer. We built a gym at the house. She trains people at the house. I, for one, think she's doing an amazing job, and so I'm spitting for sure.
But tradition 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Relationships tradition 12. Anonymity or selflessness is the spiritual foundation of our way of life as partners, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Now, we've heard about it. We've talked a little bit about the spiritual principles behind the traditions. There's a list on these pages of the spiritual axioms or foundations of every one of the steps. And for time purposes, I won't go over each one of those. But if you work the steps, you'll see those spiritual principles in these steps.
And what this embodies is if you look at your relationship, see if these spiritual principles exist in your relationship. And if you honestly look at your partnership, what can you do better? None of us get to 100% of this stuff, right? We all get to be improved, and we all get to benefit from some work.
So, honesty. Practicing honesty in my relationship will foster trust. Is there hope? Do I provide hope to my spouse or my partner? How about faith? Am I living a life of faithfulness? Both in God as I understand Him and in my relationship. I want to be known as a faithful and loving husband.
Am I exhibiting courage in our relationship? Do I run from issues? I think it's much more courageous to face my shortcomings rather than run from them. Am I a person of integrity? If every crack and quarter of my life was under a spotlight, would I be ashamed? Integrity is what we do when nobody else is watching, nobody else is seeing.
Willingness. By practicing willingness in my relationship, I'll be open to change and compromise. Humility. By practicing humility, I'll never need to be humiliated. It would be more important to be unified than right. And I put her needs and her wants before my own, except for my surprise. I have to put that first.
Love. Am I practicing love in my relationship? And that talks about the action of love. Discipline. By practicing discipline in my relationship, I'll strive to be the best partner I can. By practicing all these principles. Perseverance. As we said, there's no plan B. We're in it. We're in it to win it, and we're not going anywhere.
God-consciousness. However, I gotta tell you, when she said, "Till death do you part," I heard a bit of an emphasis there. Did you hear that? It's a little bit fearful. It's right there. We just raised my life.
Perseverance. God-consciousness. By practicing this principle in my relationship, I will move towards God in a triangle. I know that's the example there. If both of us are moving towards God, we will get closer. You know, I really believe that a monogamous, loving relationship is designed by God to show us what it's going to be like when we all get to make that journey to the beginning of the sky.
And we have that union with God. I think that it's an act of worship when we really are in a loving relationship the way God intended it to be. Because that kind of unity, that kind of being joined, if you've felt it, if you've worked the steps, if you've had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, and you know what I'm talking about, there are times when you do like you're sitting at the table with God Himself.
I've had those experiences. It gives me goosebumps to talk about it. If you haven't had that experience, I encourage you that that is a guarantee of the program. Outfalls to None, of the 12 steps. That if you work, if you diligently work those steps, you will have a spiritual awakening sufficient enough to bring a personality change.
I'll tell you that when I was in prison as a career criminal, a visual violent felony offender, where I deserve to be, they had segregated me from the rest of the prison population because they deemed me too dangerous to be with the general population of the murderers, and the bank robbers, and the drug dealers, and all the other people that are in prison.
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And because of these steps, I had a spiritual awakening sufficient enough to bring about a psychic personality change at the snap of your fingers through that experience. I was no longer a criminal, no longer a visual violent felony offender, and I walked for 20 years in prison as a recovered alcoholic.
And I'll tell you too, that the number of drug tests I had after that spiritual experience tripled what it had before. Because they just knew I had to be high. I was peaceful. I was content. I was even happy. Not with my circumstance, but in that circumstance. That is a gift that only a relationship with God will bring about in your life. And it's available to every single one of us that walks in the door of an alcoholic anonymous meeting.
Don't know where that came from. Assuming somebody needed to hear that. Because I couldn't go on without saying that.
So, look. Oh, that's a great one. Peter, remind me of an example. What we put into our relationship is what we will get out of our relationship. And we talked about that some.
It's a picture of a big sponge that you use when you live in your car and you get to the big sponge dock. If you picture you take that dry sponge and you put it into a muddy, dirty tub. And it takes all that water out. And then you squeeze it. What's going to come out? Dirty, clean water.
If you take a clean sponge, the same clean sponge, you put it in crystal clear water. And it soaks up that water. And you squeeze it. What's going to come out? Clear water.
So I encourage you to look at your relationship as that sponge. Invest the time and effort it takes to put clean, fresh, pure, godly things into that sponge, into that relationship. And that's exactly what you're going to get when you squeeze it. It's just the way things are.
So, questions for later discussion. Why is principle before personality important to the maintenance and balance of our relationship? Is there a spiritual foundation to our relationship? Have we had a spiritual awakening?
One of the saddest things I see is a couple of movies and diagrams as an example. And one person is moving closer to God and the other person is moving in the other direction. They grow apart. That is not something that can't be fixed. But we need to change the direction for both people.
Do I care if others see every aspect of how I treat my partner? You know, and again, integrity. I want to model to the man that I mentor in the program what it's like to be a good husband. That means I'm going to need to be a good husband.
And that means I need to be open to correction and to improving, because I could always be improving. And that's just integrity.
I think at this point, we're going to open it up for some answers, questions, and answers and discussion. We have about 20 minutes. And I will talk to you. We're not the resident experts, but we can share with you our experience, strength, and hope if that helps.